As I lay here in this all-too-familiar bed, my tears are unstoppable as is the agony in my heart and this aggravation in my gut. I thought I had reached my lowest point in 2015 but alas, here I am, as low as humanly possible, feeling helpless and like I will never feel any slither of light again. The same old story that I have been telling myself for too long and the same old story that recently saw my life flip upside down and I lost the love of my life to none other than this hideous demon inside of me. A demon the shape of mental illness, or what I now see as ‘the victim.’
This mentality manifested over time and led to many lash-outs toward myself and explosions within me which in turn, led me to lose the one person who was with me through it all and still loved me unconditionally and the one person who selflessly gave up his own needs for mine. I ruined, what feels like, my only chance at happiness and now it’s gone, he is gone, our love is gone. This is a wake up call I never could have imagined and a pain I have never felt before. Lucky for me, he is still here for me and we are on incredible terms which surprisingly makes it harder, as It only leaves space to love him more and him to love me less. The more he finds himself, the more peace he encounters. The more I find myself, the more wounds are opened and the more vulnerable I become. Awareness and consciousness are gifts but they allow for a painful road, blindingly beautiful, but painful. This awareness is a constant reminder that I literally sucked the life out of the only man I have ever loved and caused him to have a minor breakdown of his own. He assures me, it wasn’t only me and that he allowed himself to put his needs second, but nothing will ever stop this horrific guilt and pain that I feel and can never imagine not feeling.
These last three months since we parted, has felt like a series of short films. I have rewinded and watched back on our relationship like an old movie tape. Each time I watch it, I discover a new pattern and a new reason for me to feel any self attacking — negative emotion. I am constantly confronted with the realisation of how bad I was within myself and worst of all, the realisation that I chose to be the way I was and am still choosing to be. It is a hard pill to swallow and can really do some damage, if you are like me and always choose to feel a negative rather than positive. I am 25 and I feel I am a failure. I have felt this way since high-school or who knows, maybe even since I was a child. I have stopped everything I have started. I have self-sabotaged everything that has made me feel good and I have lived as a prisoner of my mind for as long as I can remember and the messed up thing is, I am in control. In other words, I have chosen to live this way, chosen to be a victim and chosen to live in turmoil every single day. I have not only dragged my life down, but all those near to me that I have attached too: my partner, my mother and my best friend. Coming to terms with this has been the hardest thing I have ever faced.
Alas, all I feel is guilt. All I hear is failure and all I see is my thoughts. I am blinded by my mind, blinded by my ego and patterns that have lodged themselves so far into my subconscious that I just can’t seem to even shake them. They are engrained, they are stuck and I’m trying but trying just isn’t enough, well not enough for my high standards. Many times I have feared that this is the end for me, I fear it still now. I fear that all hope is lost. I can no longer see a way out. I have never had a clear path but I can’t even see an obscured one. I can’t see one at all. Meanwhile all this screams ‘Victim. Stop being a victim.’ Stop talking about being a victim.
This is one of my many talents. Talking about my struggles. I think i need to talk and talk to get it out of my head but it in fact makes me feel worse as I burden those around me with my crazy, anxiety talk. A language that doesn’t even make sense, a language that repeats like a broken record and never satisfies me, even If I have said the same thing a million times. I am not helping myself or anyone by talking, I am actually feeding it. Bringing it to life, manifesting it. If only I knew how to just stop? It seems simple, but for me it is an addiction. I am addicted to talking to my loved ones about being a victim. I am addicted to the feeling of being helpless and knowing that I am safe and someone will tell me what to do or give me the magic answer or remedy. I am addicted to feeling like I am not in control. Because If I am not in control, I am not to blame. By being in control, means I have to trust myself, which I apparently don’t, at all. This is a delusional thought and of coarse, It backfires.
I ask myself every single day how I got here and how I allowed myself to become like this. My 20’s have felt like nothing but self torture and agony. Yes, I have had fun times, exciting times and beautiful moments but the majority of it was stolen away to my mind. My present was stolen to the past and the future. All of those precious moments completely wasted. I have been a victim to my suffering for too long but when does it end? Does it end? More importantly, do I want it to end? The excruciating truth is, I obviously don’t. If I did, I would’ve tried harder, sorted my shit, said ‘Enough is enough. Stop being a victim.’ But I still haven’t. Apart of me is so attached to feeling this way, I am scared to let it go. Scared of happiness, scared of freedom. I have known this for too long to know any other way. I have chosen this path for so long, I have never seen another option. I have seen glimmers of light and hope and euphoria and I have seen that true beauty lies within the depths of my essence but it is so rare that I lose hope of trying to find it and it so easily slips through my fingertips. In my previous posts I have explained the light I have felt through the darkness but for once, I am writing straight from a victim mentality. Straight from the darkness with no reassurance or turning point. I am finally acknowledging what I feel and have felt for too long. Maybe this is the turning point? To stop sugar-coating it. Stop blaming it on other things and maybe stop trying to understand it. I guess I have reached a point where I have been slapped so hard in the face by the universe and they are telling me to finally wake up and cut it out once and for all.
It’s not as easy as just dropping thoughts or simply stepping out of the cosy, yet painful persona of being a victim but awareness is the first step and boy, I am more than aware and it hurts like hell. I have experienced the stillness after meditation and the true essence of my being and I have experienced happiness so I guess, It is time to reclaim my light back and step into my true self. Instead of saying “When I think about myself, I choose to be a victim” I need to say “When I think about myself, I choose the truth” and as hard as it is to say this because It feels like it goes against everything I have unconsciously known for so long, I stand tall and say:
“Enough is enough. STOP BEING A VICTIM.”
For all of you out there that find themselves stuck in this spiral, you are not alone. You are far from alone. I know it feels you are and I feel it right now but you must tell yourself everyday that you are not alone. If anything, I am with you. My heart is with you and whatever light I can squeeze out of me, even when I feel I have none, I shall send it to you. Let’s reclaim our power back.
Sending love, light and healing into the world.