All morning, my backyard was beckoning me to come and relish in the glorious post-winter solstice weather. It was as if our battered, wooden double doors were indeed, the pearly gates.. but I didn’t feel deserving to go beyond them yet.
I was going about my standard, procrastination chores and enduring the usual dis-jointed, mental chatter and every so often, staring at the sun beaming down on the pavement and thinking how lush the grass looked. Honestly, It took me a few self pitiful cries, a few ‘why am I so effed in the head’ speeches and phone calls until it hit 1pm and I couldn’t resist any longer. I finally managed to say, kindly of coarse, ‘go fuck yourself’ to my ego and I grabbed my favourite towel and placed it smack-bang in the middle of this perfect, rectangle patch of sunlight.
Yes, this may sound awfully simple and you’re most probably thinking ‘Why is this chick so stoked about sitting in her backyard? Does she want a medal?” This isn’t the point. The deeper meaning is that I made a commitment to take time for myself, real, quality time. I decided to show up for myself, instead of wallowing in bed (my way of surrendering, allowing the ego to win) or creating unnecessary chores (my way of procrastination), or simply avoiding altogether and bingeing on Netflix (my way of escapism..not that i wouldn’t have loved too!) It was a challenge to overcome the many facets of the human ego and overcome the all too persistent negative self talk that stops me from being kind to myself and stops me from feeling deserving of any activity that comes close to self — benefiting relaxation. I felt I had accomplished something. I had put my ego in her place and sure enough, as soon as the sun hit my face, I was enveloped in a warm hug and I slipped straight into a deep, meditative state.
I began talking, but it was as if it was from one part of myself to the other. It was as if my higher self was channeling through to my human self. I began setting positive intentions and showering my being with self love. I allowed all of my current sadness, anxiety & fear to lightly slip away, even if just for this very moment, I some-what handed all of my worries over to the ethers, completely surrendering myself. My shoulders relaxed, my breath slowed and everything went still for a moment. Sure, I could here the faint buzz of society in the background, but that was all it was, a faint buzz, a dodgy radio channel that couldn’t quite get a signal. I gently slipped into a state of ‘being’. In other words, I was present, truly present. There was no concept of time or space, identity or surroundings. It was simply a state of ‘I am.’
I trusted that I would be guided to what I needed next and allowed my body to flow until I was lying on my back. While both of my hands clutched the blades of grass on either side and my feet were completely bare, receiving the cool breeze, I realised that this was all I needed. I needed to feel grounded with the earth, at one with my being and as I opened my eyes, my vision was completely engulfed by a gigantic blue canvas. It was the clearest blue I had ever seen. There was not a single wisp of cloud in sight. It was the most profound representation of purity that I have encountered so far and it felt as though it was the first time that I had ever truly acknowledged the sky in all her glory (yes, today she represents the feminine).
This sky of purity was speaking directly to my soul. It was a message to embrace this fresh canvas that life has just provided me with and to embrace this clean slate. (This is in relation to my previous post; I mention a huge shift in my life and uncover emotions that have kept me ‘stuck.’)
You can read it here:
That once, over-worked canvas of art that was buried in layers of mis-matched colours & unclear vision seemed as though it was now wiped clean, allowing me to admire the beauty in ‘nothingness’, the beauty in the absolute stillness, the beauty in ‘what is’. Nothing more, nothing less.
As I stared into the sea of soft blue, I could not see, feel or hear a single thing. I was neither here nor there, human nor spirit. I was no longer separate. I was one. We were one, and alas, the sky became a mirror of this neutral state of being that I was encountering, or I was mirroring her. Either way, we were at peace. She was covering me in complete clarity, she was the calm after the storm, whispering to my soul through her gentle breeze, “welcome back, welcome home.”
This state of ‘just being’, felt all too familiar, felt more right than anything has ever felt before. Why? Because I was in my complete essence. All of the human worries were not even a distant memory, they were absent. I was in my true, authentic nature. The nature in which I was born, the purity that lies within all of us, in the flickers of our soul’s flame. I was truly in a state of flow.
This state of flow, is our natural state. Overtime, we have somehow created a resistance against this flow and we seem to be constantly running against the tide, swimming against the current. We force ourselves into identities and odd shapes when all we need to do is let go. Feel the fear and let go. Trust. Be. For in doing so, we open up our world to opportunities that align directly with our soul’s purpose. We open up a part of us that knows there is more to us than this superficial world that we live in, more than careers and money. In saying that, all of these human creations are crucial to our soul’s journey and they are here to help us utilise our time and yes, succeed in some form, but the real beauty lies in how we identify success and how we utilise our time. Is it meaningful?
We all have the opportunity to tap into our flow. I am only just at the beginning stages myself and of coarse It isn’t all flashing lights, angel wings and ‘whispers from mother Gaia’. No, It is hard, excruciating at times, it can get ugly and the ego will do anything in it’s power to stay in control and keep you within arms length, keep you in that resistance. Yes, it is a lifelong process, but it is worth every moment and those brief moments of oneness that you do encounter, hold them within your heart, so even in the darkest of times you are aware of that infinite part of you. The infinite part that reminds you that this darkness isn’t who you are, just a side of you.This darkness doesn’t define you. This world doesn’t define you. This society doesn’t define you. Your career doesn’t define you. Your tangible wealth does NOT define you!
Keep living meaningful lives, keep giving selflessly, without wanting anything in return, keep following the inklings of your soul that will lead you to that wondrous place of enlightenment and most of all, keep loving one another. Stay kind, stay true and stay present, for in doing so you will find your flow.
Love & Light