When I finally listened to my pain, out came the infamous ‘perfection’ song

perfect

I placed my laptop in front of me this afternoon, planning on writing a post about the major life shift that I have just experienced and how within one month, my whole life did a complete 360 degree flip. If I could describe it in finer detail, It would go something like this: One day, the universe decided that they had well and truly had enough of me ignoring all of their nudges that were meant to push me in the direction of my ‘soul’s calling’, so they made the decision to ‘shake’ things up a bit, and by a bit, I actually mean that they went and pulled the rug from under my feet, stripped me bare naked and chucked me in a washing machine on the most intense eco — cycle. I was tumbled & turned, battered & bruised until I had no choice but to surrender. The result? A squeaky clean, brand spankin’ new version of myself. A version of myself that was always there, she was just waiting in the wings for her time to shine. I had no choice but too embrace this freshly-washed woman and this fresh new start, that I was so abruptly given, and I had no choice but to stop ignoring the callings of my soul and step into my truest, authentic self, once and for all. To put it bluntly, I had no choice but to CUT THE SHIT. Cut through the dependancies, the patterns and the pain.

So now as I sit here typing, with a battered mind, an aching body and a sore cheek after years of constant slaps in the face from the universe, trying to make sense of this past months events and all of the profound moments that have followed, I still have this one sensation that lurks around my shadows, this one sensation that creeps in when it knows that I am at my most vulnerable, this one sensation that I have had for so very long and is potentially the root cause of all of the crippling, inner pain that has led me to this very shift. It is a sensation that not even the washing machine could cleanse. I have to roll up my sleeves, dig a little deeper and get my hands dirty for this one.

On to the topic, I had originally planned on elaborating on the past month’s events and how exactly this life shift came about, until that particular, all too familiar sensation arose at the thought of writing a post about it and at the thought of ‘planning’ in general and I then realised that this sensation arises at the thought of doing just about anything. I thought to myself, “why must I keep suppressing this sensation every time I feel it? I am feeling it in this very moment, right now, as my fingertips touch each keypad, so why not actually write about it, dissect it, explore it? It has been and still is constantly showing up for a reason and that reason is to obviously understand it, sit with it and eventually overcome it so I can truly move forward once and for all.”

While I sit here trying to dissect the true reason for this sensation or pit of somewhat ‘despair’ that has sat comfortably below my navel point for a rather long time, I also feel an immense pressure about writing this post, which seems to be a common theme that I have allowed to infiltrate my every day life and thus, dampen my quality of life. I am finally starting to realise that it is the reason why I have kept myself ‘stuck’ and held myself back for what seems like forever. Yes. It is ‘I’ who have kept myself stuck, no outer source or life-altering event, not even mental illness, as that is a result of this sensation. Purely ME. No more excuses. I am the driver of my ship, I determine where I steer it.

What is the thought that this sensation is linked too you ask? Perfection. Perfectionist. Be Perfect. Yep. THE GOOD OLD ‘P’ WORD.

A word that seems too common in us as humans and a thought that has enough power to cripple you, stunt your growth and seep its way into every single thing that you do in your life and eventually, cause it all to explode then retreat, then repeat. A vicious cycle that leads you no where but straight into the arms of mental illness. This thought has created a pattern that has engrained itself into my subconscious and played out in every aspect of my life and I have come to the awareness as of late, that every thing I do, whether it is simply cleaning the house or practicing guitar, going to my day job and even doing yoga, I have this underlying hum in the back of my mind that I must be perfect in everything I do or there is just no point existing or something along the lines of an overly dramatic statement. I even feel it in this very moment, as I am typing each letter, sentence, paragraph. Each finger that hits a keypad may as well be typing –

P E R F E C T I O N.

The subconscious thoughts that evoke this sensation, I have only recently become aware of and I assume run a dialogue like this: “You must be perfect before you can start anything or you wont be accepted, let alone succeed, so therefore everything must be excruciatingly hard in order for you to succeed and well, you aren’t good enough or deserving until you are perfect and you sure as hell aren’t worthy, so pretty much, you will get nowhere in life, for that matter” and as you can imagine, the dialogue is endless and this ridiculously high-raised bar of standards is merely, unreachable, so therefore NOTHING becomes achievable.

Before I became aware that these thought patterns were actually the ones behind the steering wheel and could unconsciously trigger certain behaviours and sensations, I was completely ‘stuck’ in a toxic cycle and in fact, I still find myself stuck. For me, it causes self sabotage, which leads to questioning my path, which then leads to an anxious pit in my stomach, sometimes a ‘frenzy’ or ‘lash out’, that then leads into depression, which then leads to lack of quality of life, that then leads to not wanting to exist, then.. numbness. From there the numbness subsides and I start coming back into life again, thinking “Oh wow, I have really got a hold of this”, then something triggers that thought pattern and it once again, repeats.

This is exactly what unconscious patterns are designed to do. They are designed to keep us stuck on repeat, like a broken record, until we finally get a wake up call or simply just get fed up. We then must wipe the grime & dust off of that once shiny record and heal that minor scratch that keeps that infamous ‘perfection’ song, stuck on repeat. No more limbo.

This big life shift that I am now experiencing, was exactly the wake up call that I needed to finally free myself from this pattern of perfection. I thought that I had ‘something’ under control, as I felt I was making a lot of progress within myself, through identifying my thought patterns and behaviours and becoming the ‘observer’ of the mind but this one sensation just wouldn’t budge and created another explosion, that created severe re-percussions, which led to the death of an old representation of my life but the re-birth of a new & more profound path. Extremely painful but crucial.

This pattern became almost a matter of life or death. Perfectionism was/is killing me from the inside out but the universe and the angels always seem to be there to catch me, even if the outcome feels so horrific. Most of the time now, I can now see the bigger picture and it has allowed me the SPACE to identify and begin to workshop how I can manage and eventually overcome this sensation/pattern.

This new space in my life has set the foundation for a journey to dig even deeper than ever before and it begins right now. It begins by identifying the exact point in my life in which this pattern first nestled it’s seed into my subconscious, the first event that allowed just enough water to trickle down and plant its roots and from here, I shall work tirelessly to overcome it and reinforce the truth every single day that I was born a perfect creation and that I AM perfect, in all of my IMPERFECT glory.

So, I am now gathering that the first step is awareness, the second step is to sit with it, feel it, identify it, the third step is to manage it, overcome it and the fourth step is to stay ONE STEP AHEAD always!? Yes, I will slip up more than a million times but the fact is, I am now aware. I found out the dirty little secret and I am not going to let the Chinese whispers continue to warp my mind any longer.

So my message to you is: dig deep beautiful creatures. You deserve to rip off the rope that binds you and smash the glass that keeps you stuck (not literally, I did that and it isn’t as fun as it sounds!) and painfully staring at the life you truly want. It’s time to break shit! Patterns I mean… and live the life that you were born to live, re-discover the essence of life that was handed to you as soon as you left the womb and CHOSE to take your first breath. You chose this life, it didn’t choose you!

I AM, YOU ARE, WE ARE, IMPERFECTLY PERFECT. That right there, is inner knowledge & wisdom that will last throughout this lifetime onto the next. You are SAT NAM, you are truth and that is all you need to remember. You were born bountiful, beautiful & blissful and these lessons in life are merely here to test us and shape us but never to sway our truth. While our journeys and our surroundings will constantly move throughout this lifetime, our truth is the one thing that will remain still.

As always, sending so much love, light & healing into the world.

Ellen

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