If only there was a magic wand. A wand that could completely erase any old habits, deep engrained patterns, the brain-washed belief system of society, inherited pain from past lives and co-dependancies within us. Wouldn’t we all be such free-spirited, independent creatures full of endless joy and happiness? Conquering this western society one zen-master at a time, with shoulders as light as a feather, a mind as calm as the night sky and a heart as pure as gold. Yes, this is the ideal ‘dream-life’ that I wish to lead and Yes, I find myself wishing this much too often. This wishing soon becomes desperation, mostly when I am In the midst of what I call a bad episode. It is desperation to be ‘fixed’ whilst writhing around in a heap of utter despair and crippling anxiety that engulfs my entire being. Crying and begging, for ‘someone’ to help me, for ‘someone’ to fix me and rid me of this torture, when the ugly truth is, there is no ‘someone’ or outer source that can do such a thing, because that ‘someone’, is in fact me. It is the purest part of me that I am really screaming out for, the purest part of me that knows no pain, just infinite light and what is even more daunting, is the realisation that there is actually nothing to ‘fix’. With the word ‘fix’, comes the connotations that something is ‘broken’ and that right there is a warped, soul-crushing lens that sadly, a lot of us view ourselves through and it is far from the truth and in all agonising honesty, what would this life really be without any of these painful additions? There would be no need for self-discovery, no need for the quest for inner peace and isn’t that what life is truly about? For me it is anyway, and these tiny side notes in my life story, I believe, will be the ones that turn my life into a best – selling novel (not literally). When you completely strip away the pressure of society, these expectations we have created and all of the superficial madness, isn’t this life really just one big journey to be your best self? As In the end, it is you and only you, that you take alongside when it’s time to depart this realm, it is you and your soul, nothing else.
This determination and utmost desperation that I have had for what seems like forever, to ‘fix’ myself, has actually been one of/or the major causes for the blockages and resistances I have around my self – healing and my creative journey and I have only just started to come to terms with this as of late. I have lost count of how many therapists, specialists, healers and medications I have tried over these past 10 or so years with that one set goal – to be fixed. That one unrealistic hope that one of these people would have that exact wand that I was looking for, that they would do something that would miraculously heal me right there and then (and maybe years of watching too much Harry Potter fuelled this fantasy). I was so desperate to the point that on my 5 month trip to Europe, I went to a random lady ‘healer’ in the outskirts of Scotland because I believed she may have had that bloody wand. Like, C’mon, I could’ve been wandering the enchanted, medieval streets of Edinburgh but I genuinely caught a train and a rural bus to a little cottage in the middle of Scotland to go to this lady, who could have been a serial killer for all I knew. The result? Worse than I was before. I felt my soul was violated and why? because I went to a stranger by myself in another country who I had no idea was a real person until I got there, and the biggest reason of all, I wasn’t fixed! I still felt that horrific anxiety eating at my stomach, that fight or flight brain still fully switched to high voltage while I was on a so-called trip of a lifetime and on top of that, I was now scared of myself as I thought this lady had possessed me with black magic! (Train-wrecks gather round!) How does this even happen? I do not know.
How does someone who just recorded an EP, met the love of her life back at home, and was on a Europe trip indefinitely, possibly have room for so called labels such as depression and anxiety. I should have been over the moon, floating on a cloud, grateful that I had that privilege, grateful that I was alive, that I was healthy, that I am lucky enough to have this life, unlike so many in this world. With this, also came guilt, but somewhere, in the clutter of my subconscious brain, there was a pattern that was behind the control desk and it was steering me in a one-way only direction, to ‘fix myself’ and you can imagine, all the beauty was lost. I lost many precious moments strolling the streets of Europe to my vicious mind and to the unrealistic fixation to get fixed before returning home and alas, I came home to Australia the worst I had ever been in my entire life.
The past three years have been incredibly painful to say the least but as I type this out reflecting on it all, I know so deeply, that it was all a part of my journey of self discovery, as it has led me straight into the arms of certain people, professionals and organisations that have guided me onto a beautiful path of spirituality, that has given me a source of life I truly never thought I would find again. I have the utmost gratitude and respect for the light-workers who dedicate their lives to helping souls, like myself, on their life journey and for giving us that little nudge to step into our light. With their collective guided wisdom and my very own infinite wisdom, I am now able to delve into the depths of my being and observe myself and others, almost from above, as If I am an outer source. I am able to identify patterns and habits and reason with them, understanding the source of them, whether they are from this life or previous lives, and finding potential ways to manage them, BUT, breaking patterns and habits is far from easy, it isn’t meant to be, but it is doable. I still have that intense part of me that lashes out in fits of rage and that part of me that wishes to be fixed, but the difference now is, I have a deeper understanding and knowledge that I have the ability to overcome and heal these patterns, not necessarily fix them.
Whether or not we have to be alone to break these patterns or whatever it may be that stops us from being our truest self, it is crucial, no matter the outcome. Unfortunately, when it comes to intense healing, many things must be dissected and shifted in order to move forward because we tend to carry these patterns in every aspect of our lives such as relationships, jobs etc. but there is also a beauty in this, as when you are transforming and things feel like they are hitting the fan, it simply means that you are ready, that you are now ready to face these uncomfortable emotions and patterns head-on, that you are now ready to deal with the immense pain that comes with it, because there is a deeper understanding that it is all for a beautiful outcome. It doesn’t feel even remotely beautiful at first but it isn’t meant too. The ego wants you to stay comfortably nestled in your pain-body and go back to old patterns because it is easy but we all know that the easy way out is never the most rewarding and usually, it leaves us more battered than before. Yes, we are meant to feel as though we are walking completely naked, for we are completely opening our soul. Yes, we are meant to feel like we could break at any moment, because we are so out of our comfort zone it isn’t funny in the slightest and yes we are meant to feel absolutely s**t scared, because we are delving into an unknown territory, one we are never really told about because the outcome is only blinding light and this world doesn’t want too many shining stars!
Well I say, to hell with that! Shine your light you wondrous creatures. For you are a beautiful and unique creation that has too much light inside of you to keep hiding behind that dark door of suppression. No more. Get it all out. Get your hands dirty. Feel the pain. Push through the ego and the comfort-zone, for you are only going to make it harder for yourself in the long run but to be honest, You can’t hide for long, for your light is too bright and we can see it even in the darkest of times.
This is our purpose, to shine. So let’s all shine, ’til we explode into beacons of light, that makes it impossible for people to not feel this beaming light when they come within distance of you and in turn, you shall light up others along the way.
Sending so much love into the world,
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