On Sunday eve, the glass shattered around my fist and splayed into a billion tiny shards on to the floorboards. I had spiralled into a split second ‘frenzy’ one could say, In which my ‘anxiety’ had boiled to the surface in a desperation to release and in fact, it released in a way that it never has before.
I had left my physical body for one milli-second and in that very short time frame, I managed to punch a hole, with my fist, through a tiny glass pane on my kitchen door. Yep, what the shit. As I crumpled to the floor in complete despair at what I had done and how it possibly could have happened, a tiny part of me was also quite amazed (this emotion came long after the momentary lapse in judgement) at my strength and the fact that my fist was completely untouched…a miracle perhaps? Or, probably just sheer luck. As I spat a tiny chard out of my mouth, I thought, ‘there must be a reason behind all of this’, a greater meaning, there has too be.
When it comes to me, I must believe that there is a purpose behind everything and what may seem like a surface level, trivial act to some could seem like a defining moment to me. But that is just how I deal with life, whatever gets you through right?
So, this act of complete and utter unconsciousness and impulsive recklessness, may have after all, been the exact opposite and the defining moment that I had been waiting for. To my confusion and wonder, the deep pit of despair I felt straight away and have felt much too often, started to gradually subside as the time stretched on and I assure you, this does not happen for me. If this was a few months before, weeks even, I would have laid down in that pit for days or weeks, rolling around in all my dark, deep, depressed glory. I would have self-sabotaged so I could stay in that pit so I did not have to work so very hard to bring myself out. But we all know that the easy way out is never the best for us.
This time it was not the case. It was as if the despair was just a temporary dark cloud hovering above my soul and as it started to make it’s way slowly to the right and so far out of my consciousness, I felt the sun reveal itself and shine its light straight upon me. A light that I could almost see with my own two eyes and could feel in every part of my being.
I am not at all saying that I shattered the glass and was miraculously healed, or that you should go punch a door, I am not unrealistic, but what I’m revealing is that this time something had changed within me (what is life without a WICKED reference..) and had changed for the better (and again…) It just so happened at a time in which I have been completely immersed in my spirituality. At a time when I have been waking up early every morning to practice Kundalini yoga; a powerful, beautiful practice, that has changed my life and will change the world one day; in the hopes to clear old patterns and bring myself closer to my truest, highest self. Feeling the pain of the practice and the ego but rising above and being engulfed in the most beautiful energy surging within me- making my days more meaningful and more fulfilled. At a time when I could feel that blinding, golden light hovering over me where that dark cloud once hovered. It happened at a time that I made a conscious decision to only eat, for the rest of my life, conscious plant-based foods and only use conscious products that are FOR the earth not against it.
This. was no coincidence. This was ALL of that negative energy boiling to the surface to release, as it no longer has a place in my sacred temple, it no longer serves its purpose and it no longer has a hold over me or my life. This is the Kundalini energy and my inner strength and wisdom bursting open the doors and saying ‘Honey I’m home!’
I envision these ‘outbursts’ as my body rejecting a drug. The negative, anxious thoughts are the drug and therefore my body has no choice but to reject and release in such an intense way because these emotions are too foreign and do not serve any longer.
I am not in any way saying “go and punch a door and you will feel better,” This is purely me taking apart a very rare, emotionally intense situation and trying to connect the puzzle pieces as to what led me to that moment. I hope to never go through something like that again but at least this time, I will have the upper hand, I will have the tools and the inner strength to prevent it from happening again.
I believe that this is what happens when we constantly work on ourselves, our body and mind must cleanse old patterns before it is able to evolve. It isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun (hence the punching of door) but there are so many stages of evolution and perhaps this ‘detox’ is just part the next stage. Maybe through intense self practices, I sped up the process that caused this sudden outburst?
YES. I KNOW. This all sounds exactly like complete crazy, controversial, spiritual, witchy shit and if you even got to this point of reading , you are also most probably thinking “Shut the eff up with this nonsense, you just punched a door coz you were angry you crazy mofo” and maybe you are completely right. But maybe I am too. Maybe there is no such thing as right and wrong because I couldn’t be happier to have found this pot of gold, this sacred space, this infinite light that is my being and my soul. To feel this, is to know that all of those years of unconsciousness, self-loathing, despair and agony were all apart of my journey, leading me to this very moment, this exact point in time. It led me to the very moment I punched a god damn hole in a door.
All I know, is that when the glass shattered, it flicked a switch in me, an awakening of the strength that has always been inside of me but I never allowed myself to really feel it. All I know is that I feel like a new woman and that I am seeing the world and myself through a brand new sparkly, golden lens. It may not last long and I know that I will fall into that dark pit again from time to time but the difference now is, I can handle it. I can observe myself and my old patterns from above, in a way that allows me to sit back and know exactly what I need to work on next on my quest for inner peace.
One could say, as the glass shattered, perhaps my old patterns did too? Or, they have simply become easier to manage. Either way, I am ready.
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